Conflict in the church is a reality. It can hurt and discourage people. When conflict is unhealthy it can become habitual and cripple a church. Conflict can also be an opportunity to experience new levels of positive community and ministry. Sometimes the road to intimacy and love is paved with healthy conflict. Sometimes conflict can help us learn, purify our lives, develop humility, make better decisions and develop stronger commitments. But it’s not always easy!
Healthy conflict can be difficult to experience, but it can be valuable. It takes real discernment to not “make mountains out of molehills, or molehills out of mountains.” Sometimes we avoid conflict when we should enter into the hard work of wrestling through difficult issues with each other. At other times we need to let things go and not worry about the small stuff. We need to live in obedience to the priority of love and unity even as we wrestle with inevitable relational challenges. Each of us needs to take the needed and biblical responsibility to do everything we can to live in harmony with others in God’s family. (Romans 12:18) As we grow in our own personal, spiritual and emotional health we increase our potential to engage in conflict in a healthy way and with genuine humility. In any church, when the humility of Jesus shapes the hearts of his followers, a home is born (Philippians 2:5-11).
1. Remember: Healthy conflict can be your best friend and unhealthy conflict can be your worst enemy. (II Timothy 2:14-26)
2. Live with realistic expectations. (Philippians 4:1-3) Some conflict in the church is inevitable. No one will agree with everything. Everyone will need to respond to something they don’t like or agree with at some point. Doing this with humility, grace, maturity, love and a core commitment to support the church is vital. Sometimes the needed thing to do will be to trust and accept the leadership and authority that God has placed in the church at any given time. This does not mean every leader will always do everything right or that leadership decisions cannot be questioned. It does mean sometimes we will need to support the leadership in place in a healthy way even if we disagree.
3. Do not “Triangle”. (Matt. 18:15-17) Go directly, go quickly and go with a reconciling spirit.
4. No slandering or gossip allowed. (I Peter 2:1, Proverbs 11:13 & 16:28)
5. Major on the majors and minor on the minors. (Freedom in Christ) Or… “Don’t sweat the small stuff”. (Romans 14)
In essentials – agreement - In the non-essentials – freedom - And in all - love
6. In the midst of conflict, we will treat each other well: With dignity, kindness, courtesy & respect. Good manners matter. (Colossians 3:12, Galatians 5:22)
7. Let’s strive for honesty, with each other and with ourselves: We need to be honest with each other in our communication. We also need to be honest with ourselves and recognize that sometimes “The issue is not really the issue”. Often the real issue is our emotional intensity, and commitments in relationship to the issue. Without honest self-evaluation sometimes we can argue about one thing when then real issue is something inside of us that is pushing us towards the conflict and fueling our intensity. (Often fear, hurt, insecurity, desire for control etc.) (Matthew 5:36-37, Romans 12:3 & Psalm 51:6)
8. We will not hold grudges. We will be people of forgiveness. (Colossians 3:12-14)
9. We will pray for each other (John 17 & Colossians 1:3)
10. We will be committed to loving each other and wishing each other well. (I Corinthians 13. I John, John 13:34-35 & Ephesians 1:2)